Jokes

Why are redneck murder mysteries so hard to solve?

Because, The DNA is all the same and there are no dental records.

How do you keep a blonde busy?

Put her in a circular room and tell her to find the corner.

How does she confuse you?

by saying she did.

I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just mailed you an apple you’d be like ‘Huh? What the hell is this?’, but if it’s in a fruit basket you’re like ‘This is nice!.’”

“I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that’s 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says ‘go outside.’”

“About a month ago I got a cactus. A week later, it died. I was really depressed because I was like ‘Damn! I am less nurturing than a desert.’ (Ladies, that’s not true)”

A dreamcatcher works, if your dream is to be gay.
– Demetri Martin

Every fight is a food fight when you’re a cannibal.
– Demetri Martin

I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades…or a game of fake heart attack.
– Demetri Martin

“I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you’re really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put on flipflops, you’re saying: ‘Hope I don’t get chased today.’ ‘Be nice to people in sneakers.’”